checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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