This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
