How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
