My sheets look like a crime scene.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
