I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
