remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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