I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
