I like my sex mixed with concussions.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Semen is not good for contacts.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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