The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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