There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
