gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
