Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
