She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
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Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
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I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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