True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Watching her eat just hurts me
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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