just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
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By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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