My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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