my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
