can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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