Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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