i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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