In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
