Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
