I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
