WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
