grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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