you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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