I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
