i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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