I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
