So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
