He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
