I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
