I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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