Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
