WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I want her autograph on my taint
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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