Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
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just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
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I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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