I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
