i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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