i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
