At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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