This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I touched a dick in church today
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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