Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
