Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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