i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
