Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
