Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
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I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
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I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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