i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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