woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
