She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
