If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
