When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
