Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
