Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
