I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
