so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Boobs speak an international language.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
